I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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