who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
