two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
