He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
