I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
