the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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