why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My life is pants optional.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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