I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
