This is not my ceiling
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize