You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
