The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
