you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
