peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
