i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
