You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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