So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it was like eating out sand paper
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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