too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
