need another drink. this is the easiest way
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
