He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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