I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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