I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
