I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
