if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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