the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I love you. Go after that dick
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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