I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
