can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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