Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
