I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
