We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Mom said you looked used
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
