for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
