You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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