I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
