its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
