I think I died a long time ago.
i already hear my dad disowning me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
