When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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