My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
