i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
