I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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