and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
