there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
