You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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