In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
