just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
