i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We left the knife in your bed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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