it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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