I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
