Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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