it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
