Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize