She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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