the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
