the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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