Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
