Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
