I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
