someone get that fucking seahorse.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
