he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My feet surprised me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize