Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
