She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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